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  As hard as this is to say, after months and months on YouTube and over 200 videos later, I've finally been able to admit to myself that I'm not good at speaking on camera. I really thought I could be, I tried my damnedest to be and I can edit the crap out of my raw footage to make it seem like I am - for the most part, I've been very happy with how my videos have turned out - I'm just not naturally good at this.
I'm a writer, so being a storyteller and having a desire to tell a story is ingrained in me, but it's taken me a while to finally admit to myself that in spite of what I wish I could do, I'm just not very good at telling a story on camera. To paraphrase Julia Sweeney in her Letting Go of God film, I have to accept what's true over what I wish were true. I wish I could be an on-camera storyteller, but I just can't anymore. When I describe myself as a writer, artist, crocheter and collector, there's a reason why I say WRITER first. It's how my creativity works. So, imagine being a writer and trying to tell a story on camera. It's the total opposite of what my process has always been. Writers never sit down with a story idea, write the entire thing in an hour without stopping and think, "Well, that's done." That's what I've felt I had to do when I filmed for YouTube - sit down with my stories, try to tell them in one sitting and always end up disappointed or with a desire to edit the crap out of them. When it got to the point where I HAD to edit my videos way more than I ever used to - because of constant flaws or sheer frustration - it ended up being a reminder of who I was. When I had to take my raw footage - which became harder and harder to watch, to the point of it affecting my self-esteem - and edit it into a presentable video, it felt oddly familiar, like the process I go through when I edit my writing. At the end of it, it started to feel like I was "writing" my videos, or at the very least editing in a way I would if I was going through a rough first draft. It was a reminder to myself that I'm a writer and always will be. I have a lot to say about a lot of things and have always known I have a way with words, but doing it on the spot, on camera is just out of my comfort zone. It always has been. I barely feel comfortable having conversations with people, so talking on camera, became harder and harder to do. Anyone who's been a YouTube creator knows the consensus is, it usually gets EASIER. Many creators look back on their old videos and cringe and talk about what a struggle it was and how over time they got better and better at it, they got more comfortable and things got easier. I envy those YouTube creators who can navigate this journey so effortlessly and flawlessly (or seemingly so) and end up in a place where making videos is easier and easier. But, it feels like for me that it's the opposite. It's getting harder and harder for me to film the videos, especially knowing the increasingly frustrating experience of filming the footage is going to be, resulting in me having to watch it back over and over and spend hours and hours editing it just to make it presentable (the raw footage of my Wizard of Oz lineup alone was over 3 hours long, yet after cutting out all the unusable footage, the result was only an hour and 50 minutes, so you can imagine what the filming experience is like for me). I knew I was able to do that and make my videos presentable, but it's gotten to the point where even though I know I CAN do that, I don't want to anymore. I want to tell the stories I have about things, show the things I've crocheted or the things I've come across while out shopping or thrifting but without the added stress of doing it on camera. When filming the videos started to get harder and harder, I tried to find ways to continue making them where it would be easier on me. I tried making shorter videos I wouldn't have to edit as much. I tried cutting back on how many videos I released. It still wasn't working, but I didn't want to give up. In an attempt to cut back but shoot even higher for the dream that I could be an on-camera storyteller, I came up with the whole lineup idea. I made my RIDICULOUS remote out of crochet and created a whole video experience, inspired by a television network lineup. I worked really hard on my first lineup and themed the entire thing around The Wizard of Oz but even as I was doing it, I knew all this still wasn't going to work for me. But, I forced myself to finish that video because I knew I could and I knew it would be something I would be proud of. It would represent to myself who I COULD'VE been, but only in my dreams, over the rainbow. There's this metaphor I've come up with in my head for this whole YouTube experience that I feel best explains how I feel about it. It feels like there are two paths before me leading to the same destination: me, becoming a successful creative person. One path is more smooth, easier and familiar - flat like the words I put down on a page when I write. The other path is like a stone path, more interesting but rocky and bumpy - very uncomfortable. The stone path is YouTube. My whole journey to find myself as a creative person and become a successful creative person started on my familiar, comfortable path. Then, looking down at the YouTube path and it being a tempting option and a challenge almost, I decided to try to walk both paths. Maybe I could straddle them both and enjoy two journeys? When I started on the YouTube path my first, unsuccessful, time, I barely got anywhere on it before stepping off back onto my familiar path. But I couldn't shake the fact that I didn't try hard enough to walk on that path before giving up. So, I started walking on it again. This second time really took off. Like I said in my videos, I was caught completely off guard and it felt like my channel "went viral" - or the loser equivalent of going viral. I found my footing somehow (partly because the path magically sped up unexpectedly and I HAD to) and I was off on a YouTube journey I never thought I could make it on. It was unexpected, exciting and gave me hope that I could make my way down the path completely. But, eventually those stones that made up the YouTube path became harder and harder to walk on. I kept tripping and my stumbles became more and more noticeable, especially to me when I had to watch back the raw footage all the time (which started to affect my self-esteem, too). I found ways to navigate the path better and adjust my gait so it appeared I was comfortable walking on it, but it was never without constant awareness of the rocky path ahead. I knew deep down it wasn't a path I was comfortable on - it's why I always said my channel was never going to be huge or I'd never do any live videos, etc - but I kept walking. Walking on this YouTube path has had a lot of wonderful moments but the harder it got, the more I realized that it feels like I just don't have the right shoes. That's the perfect way to say it. I don't have the right shoes, the right skills, the right abilities to walk on the path anymore. I never had the right shoes, I just didn't know it. The whole YouTube journey eventually became the only path I was on. Somewhere along the journey I took my other foot off my more comfortable path and have been walking with both feet on the YouTube path - becoming a full-time YouTuber - when I could barely walk on it with one foot. So, that's how it feels, like I'm walking on a bumpy path that is more interesting and sometimes incredibly exciting but keeps tripping me up and it's getting harder and harder to find my footing because I just don't have the right shoes. And it's time I admitted that to myself and stepped off the YouTube path and back onto the path I was originally on because I know I have the right shoes for that one. I don't want to stay on this YouTube path, knowing I'm walking with the wrong shoes and end up stumbling so bad that I fall the other way, down a hill - I can sure beat a metaphor to death, can't I? - but, fall so far down a hill that I can't see either path anymore. For myself, I need to get back on the path that's more comfortable for me. So, that's what I'm going to do. The first time I left the YouTube path, it felt like I just gave up because it was too hard and I wasn't getting anywhere, but this time I'm leaving that path, knowing that I SUCCESSFULLY walked on it, in spite of how difficult it was for me sometimes, and I got farther than I ever thought I could. I got farther than a lot of people have, even those with the proper shoes, for whatever reasons. I will always look back on my second time on YouTube as a success, one that took me out of (or "off of" I should say) my comfort zone and allowed me to connect with some amazing people, made me feel like I made accomplishments in my life and gave me hope for the future - my future as a successful creative person. But, it's time I stepped back on my original path. Even when I first came to YouTube, I never intended to be a full-time YouTuber. It was always meant to be a way to eventually lead people toward my main destination of having created a website network you could meet and connect with me on. The first videos I did on YouTube were a series of vlogs where I discussed one of my many creative interests, all leading to the launch of my website network. The idea was, at the end of the vlogs, you would have a sense of who I was as a creative person so you could follow me onto my website network. But, when life got in the way, the network didn't launch and the vlogs weren't being seen by anyone, that's what took me off the path. So, taking a chance again, stepping back onto the YouTube path and being successful at it this time was a huge surprise because I didn't think I could. But after realizing I'm just not good at making videos and setting up my Crocheting with E.G. blog causing me to remember that my ultimate goal was never to be a full-time YouTuber; it was to be a writer with a website network, I decided that it would be best for me to do that, now, finally. That's why I'm shifting all my focus to my website going forward and telling all my stories, showing everything I've crocheted or found, or whatever in a BLOG (with pictures and video elements), rather than a VLOG where I'm talking to the camera. If you started on this YouTube journey with me, you may be disappointed right now, but this is just something I have to do for myself. Like I said, I'm always going to have that urge in me to talk about all of my creative interests and show the things I've done, etc, but I just can't do it in videos anymore; I will be doing it the way I know I can, with words, on my website and doing it in a much better way I know I can be happy with. And I hope that I can show you a way to follow along with me on the path that I'm now on again, even though we met each other on the YouTube path. That's how it feels: you were my Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion I met along the way who helped guide me on this YouTube path. You kept me company and motivated me to find ways to keep walking in spite of how hard it was for me because I wanted to keep going with you. I'll always be grateful to you for that. So, now, maybe I can be the one to guide YOU along MY more comfortable path and we can go on that journey together, too. And I'll be able to do it with the proper shoes I've always known I had. So, I hope to do the best that I can to guide you on this path with me, no matter what kind of shoes you have, and we can continue to have some ridiculously creative fun together! Take a look around, assess the path where we all are now with each other and get ready to walk with me! -E.G.
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